Christmas Torture

It's that time of year when Christians engage in the kind of torture they think only other certain religions of peace engage in. Like that snow snow snow about which they endlessly sing, they blanket the entire world, every nook and cranny, with horrible Christmas tunes, usually mashed into a pulp as E-Z listening on muzak stations looped endlessly in a mind-numbing wall of surround-sound. (You know, I may have stumbled on a solution to the annoying griefing "regulars" problems of the infohubs and welcome areas. Read the "music as repellant" section.)

Today I barely made it home after enduring 17 renditions of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" -- and I have a lot of tolerance for Bing (and that's one of my favourite movies! -- in fact this time of year, I get away with playing one of my bestest Youtubes.)

But it was in the elevator...the doctor's office...the supermarket...the office...the foyer...I thought it would never end. Yes, I do love that movie and watch it once a year -- don't you love that bit with Danny Kaye and his referencing the old broken arm? And Bing muttering "Pushing...pushing..." into his hot cocoa?

But...trapped in the doctor's office for hours...stuck on a very long elevator ride up the Empire State Building, well, grown men begin to scream for mercy. That piercing Bing whistle, you know?

Later, I slipped into the grocery store again when I thought the tape would be well past the Bing...only to be whacked with my 10th Burl Ives "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer," leading into my 8th exposure today to "All I Want for Christmas..Is You." Can they show no mercy?

The worst thing is that they got us early this year. No sooner we were done stuffing the Turkey than they descended aggressively, like paratroopers, with...Silver Bells..Silver Bells...It's Christmas time in the city...Ring-a-ling..hear them ring...Arghghgh make it stop!

Did you ever hang on that phrase about "children laughing/people passing/meeting smile after smile" and think it was kind of creepy? Or..."children listen..." and then think, but...to what? To hear...to hear..."to hear sleigh bells in the snow". But...do children really listen for that sort of thing? How can they really be heard if they are muffled in the snow? Or is that the idea? And would you say that trees *really* glisten? Or do they sort of have more of a muted shine to them? Heeeellllllp!

Hiding in the laundry room, where there's usually no muzak sound track, I was ambushed by a neighbour with a radio or CD player -- and it was "Jingle Bell Rock" now for -- I swear I'm not kidding -- the 29th time today. I think disc jockeys insert that one in between the mellifluous Burl and the warbling Bing to sort of cleanse the palet before slogging into Silver Bells again.

I confess that I put the Christmas Infliction on at the Voting Lodge and the Durango Snow Cabin at the SL Public Land Preseve because I think it's expected. Isn't it? But oops, there goes Bing again...Somehow, I picture a weery couple in brown robes, he with a staff, she with a protruding stomach, painfully making their way to an inn...being turned away, as "Tannenbaum" tinkles through the doorway...then slogging on...finally bedding down gratefully even on a stack of hay in a stable...ah, no sound track!

Silent Night.

Comments

[Dusan Writer]

HAHAHAHA.

Where I come from, we're so politically correct that no one would dare play music with the word Christmas in it, so we're inflicted instead with as many songs about "seasons" and "snow" as you can imagine, your ears bleeding with that sort of treacly drowning tinkle noise, your feet wet from - well, there is no snow, there's sludge maybe sometimes, but no snow.

On the other hand, the sales people this year seem to be smiling more, might be a kind of desperate grin or they get paid extra in December maybe, and I'm fortunate enough that at the end of the day I can always escape to Midian City or somewhere that feels more like reality than the local mall.

[Melissa Yeuxdoux]

Could be worse. You could have to endure Yoko Ono cheesily warbling "A very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year/Let's hope it's a good one without any fear..." And then there are the novelty songs: "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," or the classic collaboration between Alvin and the Chipmunks and Canned Heat, or "Santa Jaws" ("You better not boat, you better not swim, you better not float 'cause your chances are slim; Santa Jaws is coming to town!").

Seriously, I agree--the Christmas music selection leans way too heavily towards certain songs. I do my best to ignore much of it, without much success.

[Tammy Nowotny]

The worst Christmas song of all is, of course... "The Christmas Shoes," by Alabama. That's the one about the little boy is buying shoes on Christmas Even for his mama who is about to die and meet Jesus. I think it may someone's idea of a joke, but it's not funny! Or, not funny after the 3rd time you hear the song, at least.

[Sigmund Leominster]

I believe Fox executives are doing a Second Life remake of "A Christmas Carol" and need to cast an Ebenezer Scrooge. They are looking for a crotchety, misanthropic, cynical New Yorker. Sadly I live in Cleveland but I think you should apply, Prok ;)

[Erbo Evans]

Couldn't they throw in Weird Al Yankovic's "Christmas at Ground Zero" or something?

Selena LOVES the Christmas music, and I generally have to switch the XM radio in the car to "Holly," their seasonal 24/7 Christmas music channel, while taking her anywhere. It *does* get repetitive after awhile, but they *did* play a couple of good tracks one evening: (1) Bruce Springsteen's live version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," and (2) Trans-Siberian Orchestra's "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24" (heavy metal guitar Christmas music FTW!). I do wish they'd play the rendition of "Winter Wonderland" by America, though; they throw some vocal riffs in there that sound like they were borrowed from "Horse with No Name"...

[Prokofy Neva]

Yes, I've been cast as Scrooge, and they've got *you* pegged for Tiny Tim, Sigmund!

Eek, I got sandbagged by a coupla "Grandma Got Run Over By a Raindeers" down in the foyer and over at Radio Shack just now. Help!

You know, I just don't know what to...think about something called the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Eve/Sarajevo. That sounds awfully...festive. Is that on YouTube?

My actual favourite Christmas tune which we only seem to sing in church is "Good King Wencelas". I like the idea of snow lying round about that is "deep and crisp and even" -- which so conveniently rhymes with "on the feast of Stephen". BTW, I just bought a "snow crunch sound" for the Durango Snow Cabin. I hope it will help diversify the sound of rushing water from the waterfall sales store next door.

[Velouria Infinity]

We're gonna need a lot more of Frank Capra and perhaps we have not seen but just the tip of what's coming. In 2 weeks from now sales people won't have a reasons to smile and in a few months the "reality of the local mall" may as well be for the history books while the current paradigm of economic sustainability shifts once and for all to stuff we may need ask our grandparents about. Enjoy with just oozing indifference, if you can, the creamy fill of the Oreo now, before we get smashed to the "hard side".

[Clubside Granville]

You're welcome to get my versions of Christmas songs stuck in your head. For some people it's a worthy antidote, for others its plain and simple filth. You've been warned: http://clubside.com

[Erbo Evans]

"You know, I just don't know what to...think about something called the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Christmas Eve/Sarajevo. That sounds awfully...festive. Is that on YouTube?"

Yes, it is; I've seen it there.

The track is, musically, a combination of "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen" and "Carol of the Bells," all instrumental. Supposedly, it was inspired by a lone cellist who returned to Sarajevo to find it wrecked by war, set up with his instrument in the middle of town, and just started playing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Eve/Sarajevo_12/24

[Maggie Darwin]

Obviously you need the antidote:

Jonathan Coulton's "Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5M9UTlDb10

[Prokofy Neva]

Yes, I've heard about that cellist. A human rights leader I know used to tell us about it, and he'd say that the guy wasn't even a particularly *good* cellist, but just gutsy, and appreciated.

Of course, Sarajevo used to be a more cosmopolitan town with Christians and Muslims living more happily together than they did later...

[Desmond Shang]

Happy Holidays, Prok.

[Sigmund Leominster]

"God bless us, every one!" Whoops... could someone pick the crutch up for me; I've fallen and I can't get up!

[Melissa Yeuxdoux]

Here we go... just head over to musicalfruitcake.com and listen to the wretched songs there, and Christmas muzak will weigh less heavily upon you. (Another possibility is coming up with matching songs to make a sort of demented Christmas motet, for example overlaying "Happy Trails" on "Winter Wonderland.")